Quit My Job

Well, a lot has happened since my last post in April. I took that walk on the beach to heart! I got fed up with my own complaining and complacency. I realized that God wasn't going to hand me a new life on a platter - I needed to take steps to get out of my rut. So, I flipped open my calendar, picked a random day in November, and wrote "Quit My Job."

The beast in my life was my job. I got to the point where I dreaded mornings. I didn't want to face the same challenges I had been facing for the last 15 years. The company I worked for had no resemblance to the company I started with over a decade earlier. The mismanagement at the top was wrecking havoc on my ability to make a living. I was stressed to the point of being riddled with anxiety. My kids were getting my worst instead of my best. My husband got the worst of the worst of me. I was always crying about my job or angry about it. I was a mess.

So, three simple words - "Quit My Job" - began to make things unfold for me. I updated my resume and researched job sites and watched the days tick by. In August, I applied for a promotion with the company I was employed. Almost immediately after that, I was contacted my a recruiter about a position open in a different segment of the educational publishing industry.

I  blew off the recruiter. I had my plan. I was going to get promoted. I was going to make a change but stay with the security of the same company. A change - but not a scary leap of faith.

The recruiter was relentless though. After weeks of wearing me down I finally agreed to interview with the new company's Vice President of Sales. My thought was that I would get this shelved and done so I could pursue my own plan. My own plan had me interviewing with people I knew and feverishly working on an eight-page project that I would present to the hiring committee in the weeks to come.

The day came for me to meet with the VP. I was no slouch. Even though I expected to be unimpressed, I dressed nice and arrived early. As soon as I arrived at the hotel lobby the VP text messaged me that he could meet me as soon as I arrived. He had a no-show and was free. So, I walked up to the meeting room and meet the man that would unhinge my perfectly plotted plan.

My interview lasted over two hours. The Human Resource Director arrived late but by the time she arrived I was committed to getting this position. I was excited! I didn't realized there were jobs out there like this! I felt good as we shook hands good-bye. Before I left, I hesitated. I said, "Just to be completely square with you. I have applied for a promotion with the company I work for. I will be meeting with them in Cincinnati soon for the final interview." The Human Resource Director let me know they would not make a final decision on next steps for at least a week so we'd have to see how the timing worked out.

I continued to prep for my promotion interview while hoping for a call to come through from the new company. And then it happened. I had a WebEx interview with the company owner. It was dreadful. She was late, the connection was bad, it ended abruptly. Then the line went dead. I heard no more from the VP. I reached out to him, reminding him of my approaching meeting in Cincinnati, and received no response. I was sure that WebEx had sealed my fate.

I went forward with Cincinnati. I caught a 6am flight and arrived in the late afternoon. I was presenting at 9am the next day. I had my resume in hand. I had created a Padlet Board - which is a totally cool online posting tool. I posted all relevant documents and my sweet project for the committee to have before the interview.

At 8:45am the next morning, I walked into the hotel conference room, ready to seal the deal on my new position. We began at promptly 9am with my presentation. As I presented, something happened. I looked around the table and thought, "I don't want to work with you people." I honestly had a growing pit in my stomach like I was about to make a huge mistake. After my presentation, I pulled out my wonder project expecting to be asked questions about my reasoning, my ideas, my plans. They asked not one thing about the eight pages I had labored over. The eight pages reviewed by my manager, my previous manager, my colleague with a similar role as this promotion. They asked me flimsy, situational questions. Then, at 9:45am they shut it down. The next candidate was on her way in. I was deflated. I had flown across the country for a 45 minute conversation?

I slumped up to my room with a whole day ahead of me until my flight left. I called my husband and told him the story and then I sat, in a stupor, in a stodgy chair in my room. My phone rang and caller ID showed the name of the VP I had long since dismissed.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jen! Are you in Cincinnati?"

"Yes?"

"Did you present? Do you have a offer from them?"

"I did present. I don't have an offer. I feel confident I will get one though."

"Well, how do you feel about it? Do you think it's a position you want?"

I was confused by his questioning but answered, "Actually, I know it is a position I don't want. I honestly am not sure what I am going to do."

"Well, if you are open to it, I would like to extend an offer to you."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yes. I am quite serious. I wanted you to go through the process with your company so you would never have regrets or questions if you decided to leave. I knew it was a risk - I could lose you, but I wanted you to be sure."

And, that is how I came to work for a stand-up guy at an awesome company. I resigned from my my old company before the could offer me the promotion or deny it to me. I left in October. Unfortunately, my stand-up boss left the new company in November. It is OK though. I am here and I am paving a new way. I may not stay here, but I am growing here. My life is better. My future is brighter. I am not afraid anymore.

I read that mother hawks make their nest so comfortable for their newly hatched babies. They find cotton and string and make a cozy little home. As the babies grow, the mother hawks starts to remove the comforts. She takes away the soft cotton and the soon the growing babies are on hard uncomfortable sticks. The nest becomes something they want to leave.

I feel that way about my old company. I wanted to leave but I was terrified. Yet, it became so uncomfortable it was unbearable. It got to the point where, even looking at a future there, made me uncomfortable. It took a lot to get me to move. Had I not gone to Cincinnati, I might have ultimately stayed even if I received an offer from the new company. It was safe. It was the known. I believe God orchestrated the events with the players he did to clearly show me what I needed to do..."Quit My Job."

It hasn't been easier starting a new career after 15 years in my comfort zone. But it is exciting. My mood is lighter. My kids get the best of me again. "Quit My Job" was my admission to the problem area in my life. Once I accepted that as true, everything started to evolve. I am exceedingly thankful! I did indeed "Quit My Job" and it was one of the best things to ever happen to me!

Can a Walk on the Beach Change Your Life? Perhaps.

After work today I took a long walk on the beach. As I walked, I unloaded my mind. I refused to allow myself to dwell on any topic or ponder any deep thought. I let my mind race and it seemed the more it raced the calmer I felt. It was as if I had allowed my mind to purge thoughts I had stored for years that I no longer needed.

In rapid fire succession I took in the sights and sounds around me as memories of the past crept to present mind. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What mistakes have I made? What are my good traits? What do I completely fail in? Who likes me? Who hates me? Who has misconceptions about me? What are those misconceptions? Why did that person do that to me? Why do I care? With every breath I exhaled I discarded a negative emotion or memory.

As my mind rolled, I watched a young boy with cowboy boots on the wrong feet attempt to make a sand castle where the water breaks. I watched as a German Shepherd ignored every other creature except for his human companion and seagulls. I watched runners trot by me wishing I had remembered my running tights or shorts or any sort of running bottoms. But then I found myself thankful for the walk that was clearing my mind. I watched couples walk hand-in-hand. I watched a young girl attempt to skim board AND catch a Frisbee at the same time...so as not to leave you hanging, I will tell you that she could not. I marveled at the thousands of Velella jelly fish that had washed ashore and littered the beach like beautiful little flowers.

For the first time in a long time I lived. I stood in the moment. I released the past and took in the present. I watched. I listened. I smelled the salt in the air. I felt. 

And I realized.

I realized that not all people like me and that is OK. I realized that I make mistakes and that is forgivable. I realized that I work too hard to be paid so little. I realized that the past is the past and it belongs there. I realized my husband and my children are the only people whose opinions truly matter. I realized how good it felt to feel. To not race through life to get to some destination that hasn't even been determined. I realized it is important to let go. It is critical to move forward. I realized my moment hasn't passed. I haven't missed some huge opportunity that I didn't see. I realized my life is still before me. I realized that when I dwell on things or worry too much about what others think that I rob myself of the precious moments at hand. The moment at hand is the moment that matters. The past is gone and the future has yet to be determined. 

As I inhaled the crisp air that whipped around me I felt hope. I felt recharged. I felt inspired to live life and not walk through it. 

Can a simple walk down the beach change your life? It just might!

Dust Bunnies and Dog Hair

Right after we moved into our rebuilt house here on Smokey Acres we had some friends over for dinner. After a wonderful meal my friend surveyed the house from where he sat and said, "You know, after you have kids your house will never be this clean again." 

My heart missed a beat.

"Whaaat?" I questioned.

"It will happen. One day you will be playing with your kid on the floor and you will see a dust ball the size of a cat hiding in a corner."

I shrugged off the comment confident that my compulsive cleanliness could overcome any myths of childhood and a dirty home. But, sleep still evaded me that night as I thought of this possible doom. Surely I could cover most surfaces with plastic shower curtain liners. And, really, Simple Green can clean any mess.

Thankfully, I wasn't so worried about the state of my home that I decided to forgo children altogether. In fact, I have been blessed twice. And, I have to say that my friend, was...positively correct.

I tried like a champ with my firstborn to keep the house in tip-top shape. When he napped, I cleaned. When he went to bed at night, I cleaned. I even tucked him in a Baby Bjorn and made vacuuming a crazy dance. But, ever so slowly the cleaning got away from me. I didn't have the few minutes extra to scrub the floor in the corners. I dusted just once a week, and then every other week, and then only on special occasions. I began to realize that folding the laundry could wait but my baby couldn't.

I still despair about the state of my house. I have a pile of laundry waiting for me to fold while the washing machine churns another load. But, for the dust you will find on my picture frames you will also find:

1. A clean toilet. Dirty toilets are beyond gross so should to come park your tookus on my potty it will be clean.

2. A clean dish. Maybe it will be paper but I will always have a clean plate for you to enjoy a meal.

3. Dog hair. This isn't really a plus, but it is a given. Our dogs live with us - or rather we live with them. My floors will always be clean but dog hair hides out in nooks and crannies. I guarantee my dogs' DNA will leave with you when you depart my front door.

4. Modern Art. Loads of it! Modern as the day is long. And modern as in new...freshly crafted. My office walls, my desk, our kitchen cabinets, and nearly every door in the house has art taped to it. It goes from toddler squiggles to quite impressive superheros, landscapes, and fanciful creatures. Some of it is colorful. Some of it is abstract. All of it is priceless.

5. A cold beverage. I will always off you something to drink. It may be a juice box, but I will offer it. If you stay longer than a few minutes I will bring out the "snack bowl." The snack bowl is what my kids and their friends and my friends wait eagerly for. On any given day the snack bowl will contain an assortment of child friendly snacks. And, some days, it will have mini packs of cookies in it! 

6. Organization. I may have faltered in my cleanliness but if you need something that I have I will know exactly where it is at. My kitchen cabinets, closets, and office are organized. The bin you need may be a little dusty but it is right where it should be. Organization is my last thread of sanity. I may have lost the battle with the dust bunny but organizing is my life blood. I get goosebumps when I visit The Container Store.

7. Chaos and joy. You will find dogs and kids running around. You will hear the dishwasher clunking along. You will blow on a picture to see the photo more clearly through the dust. You will see art supplies out and stuffed animals watching TV. You will see childhood in progress.

So, no, my house isn't clean. But life is good. We do messy and we do it well! I am sure when I am old and in my pristine home I be counting the days until the grandkids come over and sweep through it like tornadoes. And, like now, I might just leave the hand prints on the glass a little longer because I will know they to will be grown before I know it.