Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I am Forty...and that is OK!

At forty, I feel like I am finally getting it. Not completely…but, getting it. I am finding comfort in my own skin and acceptance for who I am. I know that bad hair days will come and they will go. Some days I will be on top of the world, and other days I will be clawing my way through the trenches. There will be days when my worth is affirmed and other days when I feel positively worthless. And that is OK.

At forty, I don’t feel the need to be a slave to fashion. Oh, I don’t dress like a toad…but I don’t dress to the nines either. I feel like I have lived through enough bad fashion eras to sport my own style. My closet is a hodgepodge and that suits me fine. Some days I will rock it and some days I should probably hide under a rock. And that is OK.

At forty, I wear many hats and I adore most of them. I am Mom and Wife. I am Daughter and I am Friend. I am Employee and I am Dreamer. I am Mrs. Fix-it and Mrs. Compassion. I have dozens of beautiful hats to wear and a few scuffed up derbies in the mix. And that is OK.

At forty, I have tags. I have earned my tags like a marathon runner earns medals. I step up when everyone else steps back so I am tagged as reliable. I go after the goals set before me so I am tagged as a go-getter. I get up after life smacks me down so I am tagged as having perseverance. I cry at movies and coo at babies. I will back up a friend and face an enemy in the eye. I am forty! I don’t play games and I am too old for hidden agendas. I see the beauty of patience even though I don’t always possess it. I marvel at the sunset when I chance to see it. I am full of gifts and faults. And that is OK.

I have reached an age where wisdom starts to catch up enthusiasm. I am not as quick to say yes and I consider my no’s. I know that falling on the ground hurts more these days and it is finishing the race rather than winning it that counts. I know people will still disappoint me in amazing ways and I also know people will surprise me at the craziest times. I know that I can’t change people. They are who they are. And that is OK.

I am forty. I don’t have it all figured out but I am on my way. Life is sweeter. Each day is a gift. Life is more precious…like I want to be a better person each day. I want to grow and learn. I want to cling to what is dear and release what is toxic. Life is short and I don’t want to waste another day or moment on nonsense. I am forty and I feel I know when it is right to walk away. I don’t have to be a total troll but I don’t have to be a doormat either. And that is OK.

I am getting it. I am looking back on my life and the sheer volume of experiences. I see so many lessons I learned and many I re-learned. I am finally taking note. It is almost like I hear God saying, “Finally!” Hopefully I won't have to work my way through too many more harsh teaching moments. I expect they will come, but I hope they will be mild compared to the past. 

I see that 40 years have brought me to this place and this moment. It is these bones and muscles and skin and eyes…all of the bits that make up me…that have brought me here. I am here to see another day and experience another joy. No, I don’t have it completely, but I am finally getting it! And that is beyond OK!

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